Soooo, as you might be able to tell, I have no idea what I'm going to write about, but I just thought I'd sit down and see what comes out of my fingers clickity-clacking on these here keys. I've got several blog post ideas, but they are pretty serious, and I'm too tired to formulate them. So, this is what you're stuck with. A ramble. About nothing, most probably. Have fun!
Today some of my lady flavoured friends popped over for a cuppa and it was really lovely, especially as I won't get to see one of them properly again till late June. She lives such a beautiful, crazy life, and sometimes I wish I had her guts to just go for things. This summer, she's working on a farm in Monaco for a month, then she's working with foreign language students at the other end of the country, then she's working at festivals. She never really plans anything, just goes for every opportunity she's given, which is great. I have no idea where she gets the money to do it, particularly as she loves in London, but she has such a full life anyway. I feel like I'm always torn between the present and the future. I want to live life to the full, but I also want to have a safe and secure future. It's really hard to balance, and sometimes I feel like I should be more like her, say what the hell to tomorrow and focus on living today. I'm a person who tends to regret things, though, not socially or memories wise (I never regret the things I do, unless I really hurt someone I care about), but in monetary terms. No matter how much you work, sometimes it feel like you need to have money to achieve your dreams. However wrong that might be.
Speaking of money, I stayed up till midnight watching Made in Chelsea, despite the fact I had refused work because I wanted an early night. I am an idiot, but man I love that show. There is something worryingly enjoyable about watching pretty rich people live their indulgent lives. Plus there was so much drama between Lucy and Louise and Pheobe and Alex and Spencer and Andy and oh my goodness so good.
On a very different note, the fella is coming back home in a few days, after he has been away travelling for almost 5 weeks. It's really weird to think about. Thinking about him I get stuck in this strange in-between stage of grief. Like, I know he is coming home soon, but he's still not here now, and I want him to be, but at the same time I want him to be off having fun in the world doing something he's always wanted to do. There's a selfish corner of my brain which is demanding he comes home now, and there's the paranoid corner which is worried things might not be the same. I have this habit of changing people in my mind when I don't see them for a prolonged period of time. It's happened once before with a boyfriend who I built up so much in my mind that he could never live up to it in reality. Suffice to say that relationship didn't last long, and I felt really bad about it because it was all in my head and there was nothing he could've done. So I really hope that doesn't happen again, and I really hope things haven't changed in our dynamic. We've always been best-friends before anything else, and we were both really worried that seeing each other would ruin that. Luckily, it hasn't, but I don't want this to have changed anything. I'm sure I'm worrying over nothing - everytime we talked its felt the same as it did before. But still. The brain eh? Can't function with it, can't live without it...
I've been really getting into BookTubers recently, as you might have guessed from my read-a-thon posts. They are such a lovely, fuzzy little community that I'd really like to get part of. Some of my favourites include:
littlebookowl
jessethereader
thegirlsawthecomet (aka justkissmyfrog)
railroadreads (aka booksandquills)
They are all so insightful and well read (obviously) and funny and just plain good!
Right. Think that's probably all for tonight. I just felt like I should write something, just to spring clean my brain a little - and to stop me from continually refreshing my tumblr dash!
Best Wishes
xx
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